Safedi ki Chamkaar

While Julia Roberts is busy winning well deserved accolades for her evil queen act in Mirror Mirror, I'm left wondering when (in the name of the Lord!) will we, Bharatiya Naaris, stop setting such a huge store by "Who is the fairest of them all?"

A recent advertisement, offering women a fairness creme for their privates, made me almost throw up in revulsion! It appeared to say that pati dev will not love you unless you are white... down under too! Then of course there are those 'sunscreen' ads that promise to 'correct' dark spots and tanning. Er... since when does Hindustani chamdi get dark spots??? Unless you are Kareena's twin, you will not break out into freckles or 'suffer' any other 'harmful effect' of Sun exposure as long as you keep your system well hydrated! And what does tanning do exactly... make you a little browner? We have more melanin in our skin than the vilaayatees. Melanin is a pigment, the quantity of which determines the shade of your skin. Fair skinned people have less melanin, darker skinned people have more. It's not some evil curse... it's just a freakin' pigment! That's why we are brown... and brown isn't ugly!!!

In my seven years as a journalist covering crime and politics, I've spent weeks on stake-outs... Boom mic in hand, my video-journalist and I would stand outside police stations, courthouses, jails, hospitals, government offices, political party offices etc. for hours together... waiting for the crook/news-maker of the day (or his lawyer/spokesperson) to step out and give us the all important sound-bite that would be played in a loop across various television news networks. As a result, my skin has come to resemble an Apcolyte shade card (mera wala Brown!). 


My ex was a 'Safedi ki Chamkaar' (jo andhere mein bhi saaf nazar aaye!!!) and once asked me if I could lend him some sunscreen as it was way too sunny to step out without 'adequate protection'. I looked at him lovingly, slowly undressed myself till there wasn't a thread on me and asked, "Baby... What part of me looks like I'm familiar with the concept of Sunscreen?!" Before you ask... yes we spent the remainder of the day indoors ;-) And yes, my privates are as brown as the rest of me!

Jawaani ki Nishaani

A few days ago... as I waited along the thickly canopied rocky road that runs through the forest I live in, hoping to hijack an unsuspecting rickshaw that may have accidentally lost its way, I saw another young woman doing the exact same thing. Our eyes met and we exchanged smiles like old co-conspirators. She too had missed the hourly bus that connects the woods to the city and neither of us was driving anytime soon. My car was in the garage for servicing and her dad had taken their's earlier in the day.

Suddenly there was a faint hum... a mechanical hum that grew louder and then a little black and yellow three wheeled metal chariot of joy appeared. My co-conspirator and I were thrilled to find that there were no passengers in it and the driver was thrilled to find passengers in the middle of a forest. We hopped in excitedly and asked to be taken to the railway station. She said, she would get off mid-way. We exchanged names, floor and appartment numbers and then she said something that gave me a minor coronary...

"Kaunse college mein padhti hain aap?", she asked me with a genuine look of curiosity in her eyes.

"Main college mein padhti nahi, padhaati hoon", I replied... thorughly relishing my Santoor Sabun moment.

"What?", she asked genuinely shocked.

"Haan. I teach Journalism in four different colleges, plus I have my own PR business. But I must say... you made my day!" I thanked her.

"Really?", she asked again looking genuinely incredulous.

"Yes dear... I'm almost 30... I finished college more than 10 years ago!", I said wondering what made her think I was still in college. As if she read my mind, she replied, "Aap kafi slim ho. Plus jeans, T-shirt, cap aur back-pack wala get up dekh ke laga college ja rahe ho..."

I thanked my high protien, zero carb, roughage rich diet for my 26 inch waistline and told her that I was actually going to college to hold a lecture on conflict journalism. Her eyes narrowed the way it happens with people when they try to place where they have seen someone. I pointed to my cap that gave the name of a TV channel I used to work for and proudly stated I was one of its founder members. The sense of recognition seemed to grow in her eyes. I showed her an old picture on my cell phone and quipped, "Bina make up pehchaan-na mushqil hai!"

"Make up ke saath aurat lagte ho... aise hi raho... young lagte ho, college girl type" with those words she got off the rickshaw, paid her share of the fare and left.

I proceeded to college where everyone from the gatekeeper to the watchman to the peon to other professors kept asking me for my ID and lecture room number. "Child, why are you loitering in the corridore?", asked Prof. Bannerji from the English Department. She gasped when I told her that at 30, I could hardly be called a child. When I went to sign in the attendance register, the office boys asked me, "Idhar faculty section mein kya lene aaya?"

Everyone did a double take when I said, "Teacher hoon... Journalism padhaati hoon!" Luckily a student spotted me and came to my rescue... "Ma'am aaj lecture ground floor pe hai. Please come with me!"

Moral of the story, everything is perception. People always judge you by how you dress. If wearing a pair of jeans and a T-shirt makes me look 10 years younger... then I'm glad I discovered my jawaani ki nishaani!

PS: I don't hate my zit marks any more. They add to my youthful look ;-)

Don't believe me... take a look at this pic...