I first came across the term in Leta Hong Fincher's brilliant account of the dramatic roleback of women's rights in post-socialist China in her critically acclaimed 2014 bestseller Leftover Women: The Resurgence of Gender Inequality in China. I wondered if this could happen in a country where none other that Chairman Mao had once proclaimed "women hold up half the sky" what hope was there for the rest of us?
As someone who does not believe in organized relationships or bureaucratic exercises designed to create and perpetuate property rights, I have zero interest in getting married. But I do want to find love. Good old fashioned love. I want dinner and a movie on Saturday night and pancakes for breakfast on Sunday morning. I want to make him coffee. I want him to buy me flowers. I want to read newspapers as he plays the guitar. I want sweet kisses and epic sex. I want us to support each other’s professional goals and personal dreams. But I want all of this with a guy who respects me and stays faithful. Am I asking for too much?
According to author Jon Birger’s new book Date-onomics:
How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game, educated women outnumber educated
men in several US cities. This demand supply imbalance is leading to a ‘hook
up’ culture and many highly educated women, looking for traditional long term committed relationships
and marriage, are left single. As a 33 year old communications professional studying for my second post graduate degree, this scares me a little.
The author's findings suggest that the men know that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that they can just move on to another woman if the present one becomes ‘demanding’. The proliferation of dating apps has led to what could possibly be the beginning of the end of romance and wooing. Conversations are becoming optional in a world where an exchange of emoticons on messaging platforms leads to easy, baggage free, no strings attached sex.
The author's findings suggest that the men know that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that they can just move on to another woman if the present one becomes ‘demanding’. The proliferation of dating apps has led to what could possibly be the beginning of the end of romance and wooing. Conversations are becoming optional in a world where an exchange of emoticons on messaging platforms leads to easy, baggage free, no strings attached sex.
The book appears to suggest that if highly educated
women were looking for their happily ever after with a man who was their
intellectual and financial match, they were deluding themselves. Their only option is a mixed collar
relationship. But in what universe can
you see a lawyer marrying a daily wage earning construction worker? Would a
bio-technologist be satisfied by the musings of a gas station attendant? What
would a communications professional and a security guard talk about at the
dinner table? Don’t get me wrong. I believe in the dignity of labour, but I
can’t date the milk man!
I know friends who have been through the whole 'meet-the-parents' charade that precedes arranged marriages in India. Even the most progressive families insist that family and children take priority over the woman's career. Nothing wrong in that, except the implication, that if a choice were to be made between home and career, the husband would remain the bread-winner as the wife tended to home and hearth.
And it's not just home and family. I've been to job interviews where the coversation went something like this:
"So, are you married?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Why? What's wrong with the question?"
"Well, my personal life is private."
"You mean you are hiding something?"
"No. I just don't see how my marital status plays a role in determining my productivity."
"Priorities change after marriage."
"Of course they do. But they do for men too. Do you ask male candidates about their marital status?"
"Of course we do. We need to know how many people he is providing for and if he is the sole bread winner."
"Would you pay a married man more that an equally qualified single woman if he is the sole bread winner with multiple mouths to feed?"
This question usually catches them off guard and their bewildered looks are my cue to make a graceful exit from a job interview at a possibly toxic workplace.
But the challenges for unmarried women are greater. Look at how easy it is to get insurance or loans if you are married as opposed to single. Sport some sindoor or a wedding band and you are less likely to get unwanted attention from the opposite sex. You are presumed to be mature and intelligent if married and childish and carefree if unmarried. Married women also get preference over unmarried women when trying to adopt a child. It is almost as if women are penalised for staying unmarried.
I'm not saying life is a cakewalk for married women. The Sindoor Sisterhood has to deal with expectations of the extended family as well as the immediate neighbourhood. You will be judged for small decisions regarding the choice of your child's hobby classes, or letting your child come back home on the school bus instead of pickingthem up from school.
This is not a married vs unmarried thing. We sisters are all in this together. I only wonder if I'd find love, respect and loyalty in a world were relationships are designations and sex is as easily available as a pint of beer.
And it's not just home and family. I've been to job interviews where the coversation went something like this:
"So, are you married?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Why? What's wrong with the question?"
"Well, my personal life is private."
"You mean you are hiding something?"
"No. I just don't see how my marital status plays a role in determining my productivity."
"Priorities change after marriage."
"Of course they do. But they do for men too. Do you ask male candidates about their marital status?"
"Of course we do. We need to know how many people he is providing for and if he is the sole bread winner."
"Would you pay a married man more that an equally qualified single woman if he is the sole bread winner with multiple mouths to feed?"
This question usually catches them off guard and their bewildered looks are my cue to make a graceful exit from a job interview at a possibly toxic workplace.
But the challenges for unmarried women are greater. Look at how easy it is to get insurance or loans if you are married as opposed to single. Sport some sindoor or a wedding band and you are less likely to get unwanted attention from the opposite sex. You are presumed to be mature and intelligent if married and childish and carefree if unmarried. Married women also get preference over unmarried women when trying to adopt a child. It is almost as if women are penalised for staying unmarried.
I'm not saying life is a cakewalk for married women. The Sindoor Sisterhood has to deal with expectations of the extended family as well as the immediate neighbourhood. You will be judged for small decisions regarding the choice of your child's hobby classes, or letting your child come back home on the school bus instead of pickingthem up from school.
This is not a married vs unmarried thing. We sisters are all in this together. I only wonder if I'd find love, respect and loyalty in a world were relationships are designations and sex is as easily available as a pint of beer.
