Head, Heart and Hormones

Sometimes I wonder if men and women can ever just have sex… no strings attached… We all love doing it, but one of the two… somehow always ends up investing emotionally. Wonder why?

Why is it impossible to view sex as… say a recreational activity… your favourite team sport! It helps you burn calories, keeps your heart healthy, makes you feel calm and satisfied (OK OK… So sometimes you have to fake an orgasm, but it only teaches you to be smarter and choosier the next time!)

So why is it so hard for both parties involved to treat sex as something as normal as eating, sleeping and pooping? Why do we have to complicate things? No one appreciates indigestion, insomnia or constipation… then why the hell do we complicate sex? And what’s with the nasty labelling… ‘Havas ki devi’, ‘Vaasna ka pujari’, slut, cheapo, ‘paap ki dukaan’?

Why is it so hard to separate the heart from the hormones… or more specifically neurotransmitters?  It is all in the head. Sab chemical locha hai! Detach yourself emotionally from your relationships… and analyse them with just your head… Love is a very beautiful emotion, but as you will discover, most of the time what you suffer from is another four letter word… It is in fact the most dangerous four letter word in the world… DOSE

D- Dopamine. It is a neurotransmitter that controls the brain's reward and pleasure centers. It brings about a feeling of excitement

O-Oxytocin. Yet another neurotransmitter that is responsible for making the mating couple feel like a bonded pair. (This is the scariest one)

S-Serotonin. This neurotransmitter is associated with feelings of well being and happiness.

E-Epinephrine. Street name Adrenalin… responsible for our ‘fight or flight’ response, associated with high risk behaviour… You get the drift.

Ask yourself… Are you in LOVE? Or is this a case of DOSE?

And finally we come to Marriage/Shaadi/Vivaah/Nikaah/Lagna/Biye… (I speak a lot of languages and I’m not afraid to show off!) I’m not judging… to each his own. You wanna spend your life with the same man/woman, I’m happy for you… All the best! But are you sure, you are ready for a committed relationship? Two signatures on a piece of paper do not make a marriage, neither does exchanging rings/vows/garlands… A marriage is also not a social structure built to hold together a mommy, a daddy and babies. You think children are products of love? Look around you… a vast majority of those around you are the by-products of a marriage, or the result of failed contraception or worse still marital rapes.

Why do parents burden their children with expectations? It is because most children are not the products of love. Most children are born to fulfil a purpose, to play a role, to live as per a plan laid down by ‘those who know best’. Every kind of abuse is a cycle. Emotional abuse seeps down generations. It is very difficult to break such a cycle and often this cycle of abuse becomes a way of life, it becomes the norm.

Ask yourself some really difficult questions:

Do you really love your child? Why? Is it because you gave birth to the child? Does that mean parents of adopted children will never be able to love their children as much as you do? Ask yourself… Isn’t parenthood the most selfish relationship? You create/bring somebody into your life because YOU want to love somebody… and YOU want somebody to love you back!

Do you really love your parents? Why? Is it because you feel socially obligated to do so?

Do you really love your husband/wife? Why? Is it because he/she is the one you promised to love… and the promise was made amidst great ceremony in full view of the society?

Ask yourself… What is love? Have you ever truly loved anyone? Are you capable of love? Do you feel love? Do you understand it? Or are you one of those countless idiots who dismiss such questions with a hazy, “It is a deep emotion, too difficult to define or explain…”

If you really love someone, you will always know precisely why you love that person. You will also concede that love is never selfless. “I love you”, begins with an 'I'. “You are the center of MY universe.” “I can’t live without you.” Love is all about what makes YOU happy and what makes YOUR world go round. Why else do you suffer a heart-break and feel sorrow when the love of YOUR life finds love with someone else?

I know what love is… I know why I love the man I love. It is because he is a reflection of me, my doppelganger. He cherishes and embodies the same morals, ideals and values that I hold in the highest regard. He is independent, strong, self-made… he is a warrior and bears scars of past fights… scars that prove that he is a man who will stand his ground, fight for and defend what he believes in… honesty, hard-work and a sense of honour. I know I want to live for him, with him and as his and his alone. I know I’m prepared to fight for him. I also know however, that I’m NOT prepared to die for him. 

My love IS selfish and I have the guts to accept that. I also know that my man will never be mine for he has pledged himself to someone else and is happy with her. I’m selfish and I feel terrible about my inability to be happy for him. But I’m proud of my strength and my ability to accept the truth.

You see… The truth ALWAYS sets you free!

Feeling Naked

A few weeks ago, when I stepped out to satiate my hunger for all things held in high regard by fellow intellectual snobs, I did something out of character. I wore a saree to a Shakespeare play. I was in a festive mood as going to the theater is nothing short of an evening at the opera for me. I had to turn heads and what better way to do it than follow in the footsteps of Aishwarya Rai and drape myself in six yards of the most feminine garment ever created. 


See, this is exactly where I lost the plot! I failed to realise that if you wear a saree, it changes everything about you... from your walk (I'm told I normally walk like Salman Khan from Bodyguard), to your posture (apni hi saree ki silwaton mein simti-lipti-sehmi si main) to your entire persona (I actually looked like a woman!) 


My arm candy for the evening, my Bedardi Baalam Harrish Iyer, couldn't stop teasing me. He has composed a "Debbie is a girl!" song and also choreographed a silly little dance to go with it. 


My other friend Mantra (who was playing one of the parts in the said play) was thankfully restrained and reserved any scathing comments about what could only be truthfully described as a sex change. His generosity perhaps stems from his being an actor and therefore knowing how demoralising any kind of negativity is, especially when one is doing something out of character. 


When the first appearance worked, I got bolder and did it again! I wore a saree the following day as well! This time my nearly three dozen teeth arranging themselves into a convincing smile that successfully belied the existence of half a million fluttering butterflies in my enviably flat stomach! I found the courage to upload my aurat-type pics on BBM and FB and the complements are still pouring in. 

A few years ago, I was out covering this story in a very crowded part of the city. I ended up getting pawed and molested by a mob. Being a borderline sociopath has its perks. I remained calm and focussed and made my way out of the sticky situation without losing my cool or even shedding a tear. As I was exiting the venue, I called up and told the woman on the assignment desk about my plight, hoping she would understand. She responded with, "Deborah ji aap tai kar lijiye ki aap aurat hain ya journalist! Morning bulletin mein story chalni hai, 4am tak edit kar ke bhej dijiye!" 


I disconnected the call, took one last look at the torn buttons of my shirt and the scratch marks on my chest, took a deep breath and placed another call, this time to a male colleague from a sister channel who already had necessary footage and sound-bites requesting him to share them with me. He was co-operative. I came back to the office to find my bureau chief editing a special investigative story. I told him what happened and requested no other female reporter be sent to cover the said story the next day. I also told him what the Assignment lady told me, to which he responded saying, "Theek hi toh kaha usne. Journalists should be tough. Yeh delicate darling ban-ne se kaam nahi chalega!" 


I made my decision that day. I stopped being a woman. I became a machine, devoid of all emotion. In my seven years as a journalist I have been lathi-charged, tear-gassed, nearly crushed in stampedes, been in car accidents, received death threats (people have actually tried to kill me on two occasions). 


I have three spinal injuries and have sustained multiple fractures to my wrists and ankles. I have a broken rib and a busted knee-cap. The list is long! I'm not complaining. I've earned a lot of respect. But I had to detach myself from the woman in me to achieve all this. 


Not any more... One evening at the theatre changed it all! Six yards of chiffon and two adorable friends have made me embrace my womanhood once again.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

With all this brouhaha surrounding the ‘God Particle’, I’m tempted to put down my two bits. Turns out, the scientist who discovered the damn thing wanted to call it ‘That Goddamned Particle’, but his editor thought otherwise and re-christened it ‘The God Particle’. Others with a religious bent suggest that the new nomenclature is more apt as the particle gives matter its mass.

By that logic, cheese is my God Particle. It gives me mass. The proof lies in the undulating folds of sagging cellulite on my thighs! (No one will ask me out for a swim date after reading this… Sigh!)

But seriously, I have been hearing about this God guy a lot. For the thirty odd years I have walked the planet, everyone loves to either give him credit for all the awesome stuff in the world or blame the poor guy for everything that goes wrong! I mean seriously John, Linda is mad at you, because YOU forgot to pick Percy up from school. How is that God’s fault???

Sometimes I wonder if God is a lowly underpaid, overworked bureaucrat slaving away at piles of yellowing paperwork in a musty, stuffy office somewhere. What if he is a janitor who cleans up after our mess and leaves things nice and tidy before we wake up the next morning? Is he a traffic cop manning the busiest junction or is he your favourite bartender who somehow always knows exactly what concoction would work for you.

God is your dad when he teaches you how to ride a bike, your brother when he teaches you how to whistle or your first lover teaching you how to kiss…

The science guys say he is a really small particle proving ancient sages right when they said, “Bhagwaan kan kan mein basa hai,” (God lies in every tiny little grain of sand).

I never quite saw eye to eye with those who follow organised religion. It is as unpalatable to me as organised crime, organised relationships and organised journalism! But I do like a couple of these interesting characters that keep popping up in various religious texts.

I love Jesus… The guy had the guts to die for what he believed in! Infact, Jesus reminds me of Socrates. I also love Hanuman. Dude, he must be the best friend in the entire history of the universe to set his own tail on fire to rescue somebody else’s wife! And then there is Durga: The Demon Slayer! I mean, look at who all male Gods turn to when all their efforts to kill asuras fail… a chaar bachchon ki Maa! Never send a man to do a woman’s job! Durga knew how to kick some mean demon ass! Attagirl!

I dated a theoretical physicist once. They are fascinating creatures with an uncanny ability to think in a structured systematic way. They have some kind of an elaborate cross-referenced index of ideas in their head. Most of us fail to understand their behaviour. Notice how every conversation will adhere to the three laws of Asimov’s robots and how every aliens vs. humans debate will eventually boil down to Batman (human) being way more awesome than Superman (alien).

I know my scientist ex-boyfriend is hopping about like an excited little bunny on steroids today and it’s not because he and his kind found God… but because they found an awesome little particle, none of us non-science people could ever understand the significance of. To put it in simple words, every story has 5 Ws and 1 H. Who, When, What, Where, Why and How. These guys had a theory about the story of how the world was created. The Higgs Boson proves their theory right and that they got their 5Ws and 1H bang on (well at least 5 Sigma accuracy).

I hope you know baby, that in some weird detached way… I still love you… I wonder if love has mass? It does leave a void behind once it has left your life. 

Leap of Faith

26 year old Madhuri Pandey is your quintessential girl next door. Her bubbly laughter and sing-song voice have made her a darling of millions of women who religiously follow desi soap operas. But Madhuri is far cry from the characters she has played over the last four years. She settles down for our interview in a pair of jeans and a black and white check shirt that is a polar opposite of her onscreen avatars. 

"I hate those 10 kg ghagras and the dangling earrings. My ears used to bleed and I once gave a take with my jhumka taped to my ears!" 

Madhuri is perfectly secure with her looks and had no qualms meeting us without make up. While she is opposed to cosmetic surgery, she is honest enough to admit that she doesn't quite like her nose, "Sometimes I think it is too big," she says, her eyes comically looking at her nose. That's when you wonder if this TV diva is actually nothing but a child-woman. 

She says acting happened to her by chance. Madhuri comes from a family of doctors and academics from North India and was studying for a degree in Software Engineering in Delhi when she and her sister Anjali started modelling, just for the lark. But destiny had other things in store for Madhuri. The stylish sisters moved to Mumbai when Anjali won a talent hunt. 

Madhuri decided to pursue a career in music and started performing with other singers and artists. That's when she got noticed by casting directors and offers for TV shows started pouring in. Always eager to take up new adventures, Madhuri decided to give it a shot. She soon became a darling of the viewers for her roles in Bhabhi, Dahej, Ladli and many other shows. But there was something missing. 

“Music is my passion. I did not come to Mumbai to become an actor. I came here to follow my dreams." That was when Madhuri decided to quit TV at the peak of her career and plunged headlong into music. She is quite active on the events and live music scene. She is also seen performing stand-up comedy. "It hasn't been easy. There is a lot of competition. There is also pressure from my family who would like to see me settle down. This is my make or break year", she states matter-of-factly. 

We quizzed her about Mr. Right and Maduri says she is looking for an uncomplicated man who would understand and respect the demands of her profession. "I'm a self made woman who is open to taking risks. I have been independent so far and don't like being controlled or caged. My line of work involves odd hours. My man has to accept that." 

She accepts that it is probably her straight forward-ness and fierce independence that keeps most men away. "While some get intimidated by my success, others find it unacceptable that I like taking my own decisions and live on my own terms. But my independence is not-negotiable", she asserts. "I find it hilarious that so many men expect me to be docile and covered from head to toe like my onscreen characters. Off camera I have a mind of my own and I wear what I please. If I can respect women who like wearing sarees, why can't they respect a woman who wears cocktail dresses. I have a certain lifestyle, I do party a lot with my friends. I carry myself with a lot of dignity." 

Well, we will certainly vouch for Madhuri's style quotient as the girl hardly ever has a fashion faux pas. "I know what works for me and dress accordingly. I love my pastel one piece dresses, I love my LBDs, I like single statement pieces when it comes to jewellery rather than cluttering up my look with too many unsightly accessories." Madhuri also swears by plunging necklines, but warns "Wear it only if you have the confidence to carry it off, otherwise it comes across as cheap." 

Madhuri is currently taking life a day at a time, enjoying her transition from actor to full-time singer. She claims this is the best time to get a break in her chosen field. Her years in similar industries have helped and she is taken seriously. "Being an extrovert helps. I'm not shy and I always speak my mind, but I'm also conscious of the fact that my every move is being watched closely." She says she is very image conscious and works hard to appear composed even in the most emotionally turbulent situations. “This is a price driven industry and people love to discourage you, find the smallest fault, just so they can force you to reduce your price. It is important to act professional and stay focused in such situations, lest you get branded as a cry baby or a whiner." 


Well, we like that she is grounded, goal oriented and honest. Here's to young women like Madhuri Pandey who are not afraid of taking a huge career risk to fulfil their dreams.