OMG! OMG! OMG!

With all this brouhaha surrounding the ‘God Particle’, I’m tempted to put down my two bits. Turns out, the scientist who discovered the damn thing wanted to call it ‘That Goddamned Particle’, but his editor thought otherwise and re-christened it ‘The God Particle’. Others with a religious bent suggest that the new nomenclature is more apt as the particle gives matter its mass.

By that logic, cheese is my God Particle. It gives me mass. The proof lies in the undulating folds of sagging cellulite on my thighs! (No one will ask me out for a swim date after reading this… Sigh!)

But seriously, I have been hearing about this God guy a lot. For the thirty odd years I have walked the planet, everyone loves to either give him credit for all the awesome stuff in the world or blame the poor guy for everything that goes wrong! I mean seriously John, Linda is mad at you, because YOU forgot to pick Percy up from school. How is that God’s fault???

Sometimes I wonder if God is a lowly underpaid, overworked bureaucrat slaving away at piles of yellowing paperwork in a musty, stuffy office somewhere. What if he is a janitor who cleans up after our mess and leaves things nice and tidy before we wake up the next morning? Is he a traffic cop manning the busiest junction or is he your favourite bartender who somehow always knows exactly what concoction would work for you.

God is your dad when he teaches you how to ride a bike, your brother when he teaches you how to whistle or your first lover teaching you how to kiss…

The science guys say he is a really small particle proving ancient sages right when they said, “Bhagwaan kan kan mein basa hai,” (God lies in every tiny little grain of sand).

I never quite saw eye to eye with those who follow organised religion. It is as unpalatable to me as organised crime, organised relationships and organised journalism! But I do like a couple of these interesting characters that keep popping up in various religious texts.

I love Jesus… The guy had the guts to die for what he believed in! Infact, Jesus reminds me of Socrates. I also love Hanuman. Dude, he must be the best friend in the entire history of the universe to set his own tail on fire to rescue somebody else’s wife! And then there is Durga: The Demon Slayer! I mean, look at who all male Gods turn to when all their efforts to kill asuras fail… a chaar bachchon ki Maa! Never send a man to do a woman’s job! Durga knew how to kick some mean demon ass! Attagirl!

I dated a theoretical physicist once. They are fascinating creatures with an uncanny ability to think in a structured systematic way. They have some kind of an elaborate cross-referenced index of ideas in their head. Most of us fail to understand their behaviour. Notice how every conversation will adhere to the three laws of Asimov’s robots and how every aliens vs. humans debate will eventually boil down to Batman (human) being way more awesome than Superman (alien).

I know my scientist ex-boyfriend is hopping about like an excited little bunny on steroids today and it’s not because he and his kind found God… but because they found an awesome little particle, none of us non-science people could ever understand the significance of. To put it in simple words, every story has 5 Ws and 1 H. Who, When, What, Where, Why and How. These guys had a theory about the story of how the world was created. The Higgs Boson proves their theory right and that they got their 5Ws and 1H bang on (well at least 5 Sigma accuracy).

I hope you know baby, that in some weird detached way… I still love you… I wonder if love has mass? It does leave a void behind once it has left your life.