When Love is a Crime

The Indian Supreme Court's ruling that overturned the landmark Delhi High Court verdict is a re-iteration of India's age old cultural stand against freedom of choice when it comes to one's personal life, more specifically... sex life. Interfering in other people's sex lives is a national pass time. We love to decide who other people should marry/have sex with. So in most Indian marriages, instead of Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, it is a case of Sab Ne Bana Di Jodi!

Sab Ne Bana Di Jodi

This is probably a cycle of abuse. Somebody else forced us into loveless sex, so lets do the same with others. Why should sex be a source of joy for somebody else, when it is a source of discomfort, boredom or pain for us? As a social collective, we are all survivors of passive sexual abuse and therefore perpetuate the cycle by punishing others.

We can't feel happy for others, especially when the source of their joy is a fulfilling sex life! We hate happy couples, straight or gay! Khap Panchayats, political goons, religious communities routinely bump off straight couples for the exact same reason they oppose homosexuality... They find it immoral for two consenting adults to discover joy in exploring each other's bodies. They equate love with lust and label all relationships that have not been designed/permitted by families/communities as immoral.

Equality?

So straight or gay, we are in this together! We have to fight for the Right To Love and this right has to be for everyone, irrespective of their gender. The current government is unlikely to take any bold legislative steps in an election year. Moreover, sexual minorities are not an important vote bank.

I'll go to bed with a heavy heart tonight, knowing that in my country, marital rape is legal, but sex between two consenting adults of the same gender is not. Since, when is love against the order or nature? In the land of the Kamasutra, why is love a crime?

He, She or Just Me

There was always something reassuring about Rituparna Ghosh’s movies. No matter how they ended, they always seemed to say, “It’s OK to be different.” His movies were a reflection of him and were therefore all about finding the courage to fight for what you believe in, regardless of the consequences.  

Many of his characters took on the challenge that Ghosh had made his life’s mission… to question the stereotypes perpetuated by the gender binary. These characters did it with such dignity and grace that after a point you looked at them just as people, not men or women, just human beings with dreams and extraordinary strength.

Meanwhile speculation is ripe that Sujoy Ghosh could step into Rituda’s shoes to finish Satyanweshi, a film based on one of Bengal’s favourite detectives, Byomkesh Bakshi. This is his last film, but that shouldn’t stop you from revisiting some of his best work.

Our pick is Ar Ekti Premer Golpo where Rituda plays two characters, a jatra actor who has spent a lifetime playing female characters and a gay filmmaker who is making a film based on the actor’s life. The film is a rare treat where you also get to see the legendary Chapal Bhaduri play himself. Rituparno plays the younger Chapal and the director Abhiroop. The film is a discovery of every element of one’s identity personal, social and sexual.

Ar Ekti Premer Golpo shines like a tiny flame atop a fast melting candle in a dark old crumbling house braving against a crushing storm. It is bright as a beacon of hope, yet vulnerable to its life being snuffed out by one strong gust of wind.

Rituparno Ghosh, you will be missed.

The Truth About Harrish Iyer

6000 e-mails, 1200 smses, 200 BBM messages, almost 500 calls… and still counting… That’s what the first 48 hours were like for Harrish Iyer after the Satyamev Jayate episode featuring him was first telecast this Sunday. Needless to say, it is all very overwhelming, for Harrish is a very simple man, not the publicity hungry media whore he is made out to be. Yes he has a publicist and a manager in me, but that’s because it is humanly impossible to keep track of the vast deluge of correspondence and media invitations he receives.

It all started as soon as Harrish appeared on Satyamev Jayate. Within minutes our phones started ringing. His friends, my friends, the press… There was a flood of BBM messages, Facebook and Twitter came alive. And then the e-mails started pouring in… an overwhelming majority from people who wrote in to say they were survivors too. Harrish diligently replied to as many as he could, but after a while it started to take a toll on him. Reading message after message where people… complete strangers bare their heart to you about their suffering… it gets to you… and sometimes the best thing to do is take a break.

I decided to take him out for lunch, and we headed for the food court of a mall nearby. We ate in silence for a while for that is what he craved most… there was too much going on in his head and he needed to calm down… We shared a Pav Bhaji pizza and a bottle of cola and decided to just walk to clear our heads and figure out a way to deal with the present situation. And that is when I saw how far Harrish is willing to push himself for what he believes in.

For those who think Satyamev Jayate was Harrish’s first TV appearance, let me give you the low down. Harrish has been speaking up for fellow survivors of Child Sexual Abuse for over a decade now. He has been on talk shows hosted by the likes of Barkha Dutt and Richa Anirudh. 


He has also given several print and radio interviews and has been counselling fellow survivors for over 10 years. It is not easy… to go back into the darkest part of your life and relive it, just so that you can help another survivor confront his worst demons. Harrish has been walking what many would describe as nothing short of a mental minefield, only so he can carry others on his shoulders and deliver them to the other side.

At the mall people first stole glances at him, then started pointing, then someone developed the courage to walk upto him and shake his hand. Then one by one nearly 50 people walked up to him to introduce their families and children to him, to take pictures with him. Harrish patiently obliged, but asked them for exactly one thing in return… that they promise to educate their children about CSA.

Even now, Harrish’s work is far from over. The restless soul that he is, Harrish is now planning to hold awareness campaigns in schools, housing societies and public spaces. So if you want Harrish Iyer to speak to speak to parents and children in your school or neighbourhood, or if you are a mall manager/PR, please get in touch with me, Deborah Grey on greyfrost1013@gmail.com

We are prepared to do whatever it takes to prevent a child from confronting the horrors that Harrish did. If that means more media whoring, more appearances on TV and radio, more interviews to websites and publications... then so be it!

And while I'm still in my Maa Durga avatar... let me kill one more demon that has raised it's ugly head... the Demon of Doubt... Many people doubt the genuineness of Harrish's story. They think that he took 11 long years to break the cycle of abuse because he is gay and was probably enjoying the abuse.

Well first of all, YES... Harrish Iyer is gay! So what? He DID NOT enjoy the abuse. No 7 year old would enjoy forced anal sex! Also, homosexuality and sexual abuse are not connected in ANY WAY! Harrish was born gay... just like I was born straight! Homophobia has to be wiped out! People don't become gay after being sexually abused! Get your facts right and stop this mud-slinging campaign against Harrish Iyer or for that matter even Aamir Khan! 

The entire team of Satyamev Jayate has worked very hard to ensure that the subject of CSA was dealt with in a very sensitive way. And nobody willingly withheld information about Harrish's sexuality. The show was about Child Sexual abuse and not Homosexuality. Just as no body would introduce Deborah Grey as a straight journalist, why should anyone be expected to introduce Harrish Iyer as a gay activist?

It's time we looked deep within ourselves and killed the Demons of Doubt that plague our souls... 

When I'm gone...

"What will happen to him when I'm gone?"
Sounds like the familiar melancholy refrain of every Hindustani Maa about her son. Our Mother Indias don't trust their sons to look after themselves. Infact this is perhaps the root cause of most Saas-Bahu khit-pits.
"That is not his favourite Sunday T-shirt!"
"That's not how he likes his poha!"
"Did you add two spoonfuls of sugar to his coffee?!"
Mothers-in-law seldom trust their daughters-in-law to be able to look after their sons after the Saas breathes her antim saans!
But mothers of straight sons can at least leave their pyaara puttars in the (however seemingly inadequate) care of their bahus. What happens if your son is gay? 
This fear was written large over the faces of many mothers at a Gay Bombay meet I recently attended. The law still prohibits same sex marriages, thus leaving many homosexual couples with only two options. Either defy society and move in together or live, grow old and die alone. 
Adoption laws also don't help. A man can't adopt a baby girl and a gay man cannot adopt a baby boy. While the intention of our law makers is only to protect children from abuse, it leaves most gay couples childless, unless they opt for surrogacy. The law of the land, unwittingly or by design, punishes gay men by making it almost impossible for them to have a happy family life.
It takes me back to that scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where Robin Williams tells children about different kinds of families... "Some have a mommy and a daddy. Some have just a mommy or just a daddy. Some only have grand parents..." It would be prudent to extend the scope and include families with two mommies or two daddies.
Gender doesn't define families or hold them together... Love does.

Sex and Politics

It's Election Day and all I can think of... is sex! Two of my dear friends are debating if the LGBT Community should start a political party or field independent candidates, who will openly speak up about and address concerns of the community. It is an interesting back and forth on Facebook. I am also a part of the marathon argument (which is technically not an argument, coz we're all saying the same thing!)
Well first, LGBT Community sounds like something from outer space. I thought we were all Mast people! (Remember the slogan at this year's Gay Pride Parade... "I'm Gay! Main Mast Hoon!"). If you want to become a part of the mainstream, shed your 'special interest group' identity.
Next, if you are serious about politics, understand that you have to work for everyone and care about the concerns of hetros too... Personally, I think both, hetros and Mast people have the same concerns. Mumbai potholes don't spare Mast spines and Mast people aren't the only victims of crime and disease.
As far as sex is concerned, it all boils down to the Right To Scr@w (RTS, if you will ;-)) Some people have it, some people don't. Do Mast people think hetros have it easy? Dig deeper into the lives of pados ke Sharma ji, Chaddha sahab, Varma aunty, Kavita Bhabhi... Do you think all is hunky-dory in our great Indian arranged marriages? All your life you are taught not to talk to strangers, then you are expected to sleep with one?! Most Pati-Patnis 'do-the-due' under family/societal pressure, just so that there's someone to carry forward the family name. Almost all pregnancies are unplanned, most kids are the by-products of failed contraception! And that is precisely why we as a society are terrified about talking about sex... coz most people don't enjoy it... It's a chore... a formality... Raat ko attendence lagaani hai!
People don't understand love, passion, pleasure... Romance ki toh waat lagi hai! We are hardwired to believe that we should live to make others happy. Low self esteem is a virtue in out collectivist society. When will people understand, ki hum ek baar jeete hain, ek baar marte hain, aur pyaar bhi sirf ek baar hota hai! When you live double lives you die everyday and you keep falling in and out of something that sure as hell ain't love! Sachchaa pyaar kabhi kurbaaniyaan nahi maangta... maangta hai toh sirf ki tum jiyo... jee bharke!
In short, straight people need to be liberated as much as Mast people! And if we need to take a political stand to sort out our sex lives, I'm all for it!